Presence

Ravaging through darkness,

Drowning in a deep ocean,

Fighting fierce waves,

I longed for healing magic potions.

In the acrobatics of survival

With a million words and night skies,

With all my Gods and angels

I searched for a gasp of air.

Grounded under the rubble

Broken crystal castles

I looked to clear the debris

Shattered glass, illusions now gravel.

Through a graveyard of floating heads

These burnt wisps of hope

These memories still in shining color

 I held on tight to all known tropes.

Roaming through the galleries of sounds 

A procession of lost presences

Willing the present to turn to past 

This time, to have truly learnt the lessons.

In a nebulous battlefield of pain

Black rejection, broken trust

I found the last dying breath

To blow away the old dream, now coarse dust.

The yellows finally show up

First strands of the new morning sun.

Now I could sit up, look up

The warm light, presence of the One.

I hear the dawn break, a flute play

A faint melody appears into the frame

Feet unsteady, I attempt to stand

Fight back the omnipresent black bands. 

In the new world, of rebounding souls

I found I was not alone

I found an army of Generals, broken,

All in a search for new moonstones. 

In the ballads of second chances 

In the healing magic of art

Damaged, yet dancing around the scars 

I heard the sound of another beating heart.

--

 

The wait

 these tears 

moments of real 

remind me

of all the men

you visit me

in every moment 

of skin to soul 

soul to thought 

thought to tears

i reconcile

to the inevitable 

to what is not

to what is

you come first as a haze 

then you have form

then you dominate

i give up

the feeble fight

 relapse 

understand 

accept

this is the new world

after the cold grays

of every day

the emotion runs free 

like the touch of spring 

the fall of rain

the warm sun on your face

feel human 

accept 

move on

the heart

this mind

these devils

these truth keepers hold a mirror everyday to the real

in the quiet of the noise i see you

i see us

fall back

into the tortured quiet 

of the wait

..........

Mirages

I spent years, building my beautiful crystal house, decorated it with stories I told myself over time. I looked, polished, perfected each corner, painted, repainted, blended greys and colors.......Was this a smoke cloud, I wondered? Or an edifice of my hopes and dreams? Would it blend into nothingness along with me? Or stay beyond, intangibly contouring a world without me...Would my screams be lost in the noise of the world, I wondered? I screamed feebly at first, screamed a little, found my voice, made a few people listen. Several held my hands along the way. They screamed with me, we will get heard together they said. The transparencies gave way....opacity emerged ....broad strokes of the picture emerged. I could not stop looking at my house now. I touched it, felt it. I was this and this was me.

And then I met you.

You had your own beautiful crystal house. You told me how much it meant to you. You wanted the calmness, the comfort, the shelter....a strong safe landing to launch from. You wanted your chance to tell your story, to build your dreams. Your house was built in clear blacks and clear whites. You had no room for grey, you said. You wanted to fill it with laughter, with love, with hope...you wanted your name etched on it, around it...you wanted to build and show a thing of such beauty, everyone would stop, stare, admire, desire... You wanted to provide shelter and strength to those who stood with you, while you unshackled your heels from a quicksand of circumstance You wanted to hear and unhear voices....you wanted to reclaim a lost childhood, to recreate and protect a new childhood. You wondered about stillness, where your infinite energy could carry you. You buried deep what was lost, looked ahead with joy at what could be...at possibilities...

And then you met me.

 The mirage broke....the illusions, the smoke clouds, the houses of cards....came falling down, around us ....while we watched....we looked around us again....a new world...new possibilities....what is real and what isnt. We held on to each other, tightly, afraid to let go....we saw our lives zip past in a free form, free fall.....in movement and in motion, you held my hands and pointed out a new horizon....a new sunset and possibly a new sunrise....it is intensely beautiful you said and I knew....but I am still falling now....i am still looking at you...quietly...i am watching edifices.....break, stay strong....the people scream around me.....this was all yours, they said. I hear voices now....the loud sound of the wind zipping past...while i fall....free form.

this is where i am.

.......................................

15 years ago

15 years ago. A black and white house. A little boy sits on a chair. The father sits nearby smoking. Chess on the table. Book read in silence.

15 years ago. A boy and a girl meet. The boy in a kurta and jeans. Carrying a shoulder bag. Says hello. Asks the girl out for coffee. Coffee, conversations, cabs. Nariman Point. The girl says she works here. Near the sea. A romantic breeze blows. The girl wants to kiss him. Her eyes close. The bright buildings dissolve into the black sea. She feels his lips on hers. She hears his heart beat. His breath. The taste of his mouth. She opens her eyes. The trains clamour. 

15 years ago. So much lesser pain. So much more joy.

15 years ago. 2 children. One boy. Alpha. Like his father. One girl. Alpha. Like her mother. Math, science and art. Harsh and soft. Hot and cold. Grey, black and color.

15 years ago. Him, a computer mechanic. Her, a teacher. A 1bhk house. A bed. Life lived in moments. A collection of moments. Only him and her.

3 months ago. What might have been. What could have been.

A pile of broken glass. Broken dreams, now ashes, flung into the air. In the mist. There they are....our children...now in little bits of burnt black....flashing through the wind, encircling us. They fly into the distance and are drowned into the noise of the world around us. We keep walking...not a moment to even say our goodbyes.

The colourful detailing of our dreams fade...blur...then blend into the everyday humdrum of what must be.

The aborted foetus

Tweaking, shooting high

rushing through blood veins 

piercing a gap through my skin 

pushing down the plunger

euphoria flows into my limbs 

catatonic stances pass into my limbs

the needle comes out followed

by a bright red dribble 

of drug induced blood 

collapsing and falling onto the floor

passed out to sleep forever more

In a sharp twisting action

she tears a large fish hook 

from the clay tiled wall

& on returning -

a thick yellow paste 

exudes from several holes 

& there sitting in the bath beside her

is a misshapen foetus bolted upright

the size of a thigh

It resembles a seahorse 

with muscly shoulders 

it sits there inertly

it's eyes covered 

in a thin reddish membrane of skin 

She waits for it to speak

to explain itself

to pass judgment 

it is in this space 

this vision

this tolling of truth 

that she awakens-

It is a dark summer morning 

the rain drumming

in a mesmerising chant

on the steel roof above her.

The Interval kind of love

Sundays

I wake up 

Feel the silence envelope me 

I see ice walls

Start rising around me 

They contain the bleed 

Shield the vulnerability

The day wears on

I am now concealed 

In a fortress of cold filters

A fierce cave - it soothes me 

Anger subsides, resistance gives way 

I try to find happiness around me

Hold on to any vestibule of warmth 

Instead the coldness envelopes 

Cynics awaken 

This is all there is

Other voices whisper “understanding”

But longing always wins 

The battles rage in silence

I move through the motions

The conversations start and die

Eventually the pain starts to subside 

Sleep beckons 

A new week

Things to do

The business of living 

I give up the resistance 

A penguin sings a lullaby 

I fall into a disturbed sleep 

Mondays

The clock chimes 

It’s 9.30

You wake up

You sense the distance 

You want me as you left me

You try to break through 

I am one with cold breezes now

Anger and longing interplay 

You fight 

Look into my eyes

Hold me closer, 

kiss me softer

You stoke the fire, 

You break in 

I smell you, 

Feel you, see you

The memories flood 

I watch helpless

I see the rage dissolve

Now I am exhausted  

I don’t understand 

I am incapable of the switch 

The day wears on 

Our moments gain momentum 

I am swept in their tide 

In the magic of us 

In the sheer joy of you 

I feel a warm breeze 

I surrender to the forces

Your love washes me over 

By the end of the day, I am yours again 

The noises give way to music 

I sleep conflicted

The taste of you stays on my skin 

The warmth of you lingers in my soul

I reconcile to the inevitable 

Tuesdays

I am in love again 

I long to see your face

I wait to hold your hands 

To be locked in an embrace 

Count the stolen moments 

Shine them and sparkle them 

Put them to rest carefully 

In the treasure chest of my heart 

The nights are filled with longing

I wait to see you again 

Wednesday 

I am one with you 

Together we create magic 

Life beats me through the week

You are there to apply the balm

You hold my hands 

Tell me we are living the dream

Fighting the good fight

Building, making our place

In the sunshine and hay

I am weary from the fight 

Grateful for your time 

You tell me we can do it together 

We are caught in the business of living 

You at your frontiers and me at mine 

We make time, have tea

You give every bit of yourself to me 

We look apart at our own worlds 

Try to move the story that much further 

Try to add that many more pieces 

Conversations and chai 

Life continues it’s unrelenting march

There are some truths to digest 

I tell myself I am in it for the fight

When I don’t have it in me, I will lie among the masses

Until then I want to lead, scream - look ahead

Build the future, change the world 

Thursdays

Sometimes I am off to other lands

Whether here or apart, we are still together

We hold our souls together 

Hear each other

Feel every breath

Noise and music merge into the week 

We give it our best shot 

I am now in you 

And you are with me 

Standing by me, supporting me 

We scream together till our lungs burn  

We try to create music in that midst 

Exhausted, we go home 

Engaged, exhilarated, alive!

Fridays

The week has passed 

We are intensely together

Life now has thrown all its bullets at us 

We duck, survive 

Find another day to live

Find another step to move forward 

Slowly we build our story

A conglomerate of our collective thoughts

We add a new brick to the edifice 

I am grateful

Sleep - exhausted exhilarated

Having given it my all 

Saturdays

I wake up in silence

Control the urge 

A passing beauty, I want to share

An intense experience, I want to recount 

I am still with you, in you

I see a warm embrace and a familiar feeling washes over me 

Memories in every nook and corner 

Sometimes the urges give way

I reach out 

There is silence 

Coldness 

I am locked out 

I am in the cave 

There is nothing and no one

In the beginning I don’t get it

I wait patiently 

But then the day gives way

And I feel hopelessly alone 

Standing on the edge of a precipice 

About to fall

I look for you to hold me 

And I see an abyss 

No one reaching out 

My home comforts me then 

Reminds me, there is a home

I am now passive, confused

Give in to the love 

My mind sways in a whirlpool 

What is love I wonder

What is companionship 

Is it in the moments lived

In little things done 

I have now shifted

I wonder what is real 

And why there is a cold breeze starting to blow 

The silences tear into my soul

I reach through the shreds and try to find the understanding 

I find distractions

I stare at sunsets 

I immerse myself in the laughter of friends 

I find some alone time to paint

To cook, to clean. To love.

And then the dam bursts 

There is a wall of tears

Unexplained

Inexplicable 

The tears start to freeze into ice

The ice creates cold walls

I sleep resigned 

Surender 

Waiting for tomorrow.