Saturday, October 17, 2020

Spring

Spring is in the air, 

Smiling, dancing, my love.

New buds in my garden, 

A shining purple sky above.

I hear the birds sing;

Cuckoos, mynahs, parrots and doves.


From a long autumn 

of fallen leaves,

brown, dry and withered;

these broken dreams.

Now the seasons change into

these fresh landscapes in green.


The fallen white flowers 

on the street,

in a heap at corners 

of big banyan trees. 

Like our old shining memories 

Swept away by the cold, gentle breeze.


Then I hold your face in my arms

feel your breath in mine 

hold your hands 

feel your body 

And through the brown leaves

I start to see a bokeh 

of green shoots rising

from these graveyards of grief 

where some umbers still burn

where some memories still refuse to lay to rest 


I feel the longing 

to see your beautiful eyes 

I feel your mind 

looking to unchain the past

to find yourself again 

I feel the beginning of your search

like a resting caterpillar

a mild shake up

an attempt to unshackle

welcome disturbances 

to seek and claim 

what could have been 


So I promise you my love,

to be there always

in the shadows 

in the green rooms 

in dark and in light

as a silent cheerleader

to your dreams 

as you take stage 

whether to forests or facades 

to offer a hand or a shoulder 

for second chances 

coz its never really over 

Till its over 

as long as we live 

uncaged, free and in love.

Wednesday, October 14, 2020

The time will come


when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Presence


Ravaging through darkness,
Drowning in a deep ocean,
Fighting fierce waves,
I longed for healing magic potions.

In the acrobatics of survival
With a million words and night skies,
With all my Gods and angels
I searched for a gasp of air.

Grounded under the rubble
Broken crystal castles
I looked to clear the debris
Shattered glass, illusions now gravel.

Through a graveyard of floating heads
These burnt wisps of hope
These memories still in shining color
 I held on tight to all known tropes.

Roaming through the galleries of sounds 
A procession of lost presences
Willing the present to turn to past 
This time, to have truly learnt the lessons.

In a nebulous battlefield of pain
Black rejection, broken trust
I found the last dying breath
To blow away the old dream, now coarse dust.

The yellows finally show up
First strands of the new morning sun.
Now I could sit up, look up
The warm light, presence of the One.

I hear the dawn break, a flute play
A faint melody appears into the frame
Feet unsteady, I attempt to stand
Fight back the omnipresent black bands. 

In the new world, of rebounding souls
I found I was not alone
I found an army of Generals, broken,
All in a search for new moonstones. 

In the ballads of second chances 
In the healing magic of art
Damaged, yet dancing around the scars 
I heard the sound of another beating heart.
--
 

The wait

 these tears 

moments of real 

remind me

of all the men

you visit me

in every moment 

of skin to soul 

soul to thought 

thought to tears

i reconcile

to the inevitable 

to what is not

to what is

you come first as a haze 

then you have form

then you dominate

i give up

the feeble fight

 relapse 

understand 

accept

this is the new world


after the cold grays

of every day

the emotion runs free 

like the touch of spring 

the fall of rain

the warm sun on your face

feel human 

accept 

move on

the heart

this mind

these devils

these truth keepers hold a mirror everyday to the real

in the quiet of the noise i see you

i see us

fall back

into the tortured quiet 

of the wait

..........


Mirages

I spent years, building my beautiful crystal house, decorated it with stories I told myself over time. I looked, polished, perfected each corner, painted, repainted, blended greys and colors.......Was this a smoke cloud, I wondered? Or an edifice of my hopes and dreams? Would it blend into nothingness along with me? Or stay beyond, intangibly contouring a world without me...Would my screams be lost in the noise of the world, I wondered? I screamed feebly at first, screamed a little, found my voice, made a few people listen. Several held my hands along the way. They screamed with me, we will get heard together they said. The transparencies gave way....opacity emerged ....broad strokes of the picture emerged. I could not stop looking at my house now. I touched it, felt it. I was this and this was me.

And then I met you.

You had your own beautiful crystal house. You told me how much it meant to you. You wanted the calmness, the comfort, the shelter....a strong safe landing to launch from. You wanted your chance to tell your story, to build your dreams. Your house was built in clear blacks and clear whites. You had no room for grey, you said. You wanted to fill it with laughter, with love, with hope...you wanted your name etched on it, around it...you wanted to build and show a thing of such beauty, everyone would stop, stare, admire, desire... You wanted to provide shelter and strength to those who stood with you, while you unshackled your heels from a quicksand of circumstance You wanted to hear and unhear voices....you wanted to reclaim a lost childhood, to recreate and protect a new childhood. You wondered about stillness, where your infinite energy could carry you. You buried deep what was lost, looked ahead with joy at what could be...at possibilities...

And then you met me.


 The mirage broke....the illusions, the smoke clouds, the houses of cards....came falling down, around us ....while we watched....we looked around us again....a new world...new possibilities....what is real and what isnt. We held on to each other, tightly, afraid to let go....we saw our lives zip past in a free form, free fall.....in movement and in motion, you held my hands and pointed out a new horizon....a new sunset and possibly a new sunrise....it is intensely beautiful you said and I knew....but I am still falling now....i am still looking at you...quietly...i am watching edifices.....break, stay strong....the people scream around me.....this was all yours, they said. I hear voices now....the loud sound of the wind zipping past...while i fall....free form.

this is where i am.

.......................................

15 years ago

15 years ago. A black and white house. A little boy sits on a chair. The father sits nearby smoking. Chess on the table. Book read in silence.

15 years ago. A boy and a girl meet. The boy in a kurta and jeans. Carrying a shoulder bag. Says hello. Asks the girl out for coffee. Coffee, conversations, cabs. Nariman Point. The girl says she works here. Near the sea. A romantic breeze blows. The girl wants to kiss him. Her eyes close. The bright buildings dissolve into the black sea. She feels his lips on hers. She hears his heart beat. His breath. The taste of his mouth. She opens her eyes. The trains clamour. 

15 years ago. So much lesser pain. So much more joy.

15 years ago. 2 children. One boy. Alpha. Like his father. One girl. Alpha. Like her mother. Math, science and art. Harsh and soft. Hot and cold. Grey, black and color.

15 years ago. Him, a computer mechanic. Her, a teacher. A 1bhk house. A bed. Life lived in moments. A collection of moments. Only him and her.

3 months ago. What might have been. What could have been.

A pile of broken glass. Broken dreams, now ashes, flung into the air. In the mist. There they are....our children...now in little bits of burnt black....flashing through the wind, encircling us. They fly into the distance and are drowned into the noise of the world around us. We keep walking...not a moment to even say our goodbyes.

The colourful detailing of our dreams fade...blur...then blend into the everyday humdrum of what must be.

The aborted foetus

Tweaking, shooting high

rushing through blood veins 

piercing a gap through my skin 

pushing down the plunger

euphoria flows into my limbs 

catatonic stances pass into my limbs


the needle comes out followed

by a bright red dribble 

of drug induced blood 

collapsing and falling onto the floor

passed out to sleep forever more


In a sharp twisting action

she tears a large fish hook 

from the clay tiled wall

& on returning -

a thick yellow paste 

exudes from several holes 

& there sitting in the bath beside her

is a misshapen foetus bolted upright

the size of a thigh

It resembles a seahorse 

with muscly shoulders 

it sits there inertly

it's eyes covered 

in a thin reddish membrane of skin 


She waits for it to speak

to explain itself

to pass judgment 


it is in this space 

this vision

this tolling of truth 

that she awakens-


It is a dark summer morning 

the rain drumming

in a mesmerising chant

on the steel roof above her.

Grief

Numbness is a form of grief For those who wrestle with how they feel. It's an eerie silence of the mind Where large parts of the world g...